Houston Texans training camp: 11 sightings from Day 5

Let’s just say 2021 hasn’t been the best of years for the Houston Texans.

Their star All-Pro quarterback was sued by 24 massage therapists who alleged sexual misconduct and sexual assault. The team was accused of aiding the quarterback in his questionable behavior and settled with 30 different women involved in the case.

The Texans put the quarterback on timeout and didn’t allow him to play a single down all year.

The Texans finished 4-13 and fired their coach after just one season.

The Texans were named in a lawsuit accusing the NFL of racial discrimination and ended up hiring a coach who wasn’t even a finalist in their initial search.

The team owner is seen as a low IQ hayseed and sports chat hosts have nicknames for him like Floyd the Barber, Hee Haw and Jethro.

The team’s executive vice president of football operations and resident Svengali has a reputation one step below a snake oil salesman at Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show in an empty field just outside the boundaries of the city.

NRG Stadium was a mausoleum last season with sidewalk scalpers selling tickets for pennies on hundreds of dollars.

The team was outscored by 172 points, its worst point differential in team history.

In recent years, the team has released its greatest and most beloved star of all time, JJ Watt, and traded star receiver DeAndre Hopkins for a pack of lapsed Twizzlers.

This year, the Texans will pay three head coaches: current coach Lovie Smith, former coach David Culley and former coach Bill O’Brien.

The future doesn’t need sunglasses. Las Vegas has released the first odds for the Texans’ 17 games in 2022. They’re underdogs in every published game, including Week 17 when the lowly Jacksonville Jaguars visit NRG Stadium.

The most positive news from training camp so far is that the Texans will wear a new red helmet for an entire game this season, on Nov. 3 against the Philadelphia Eagles. Keep watching the shiny watch, Texans fans, you’re starting to get sleepy, very sleepy.

The Texans couldn’t have had worse years if Jerry Jones had sent a mole to Houston to smear the Texans franchise.

Things have gotten so bad for the Texans lately that even ex-Enron accountants couldn’t save the bottom line, right?

You would be wrong.

The Houston Texans are a print shop for money. The Texans are valued at $4.63 billion with a big “B.” That’s 21% more than the $3.84 they were valued at in 2021 and 38% more than the $3.34 billion in 2020.

Can you imagine what the Texans would be worth if they respected the property and didn’t pay the women accusing the team of helping a player accused of sexual misconduct, or being part of a racial discrimination lawsuit, or playing in the Super Bowl (never), made the AFC Championship Game (never), and actually won more games than they lost (139-182 since inception 21 years ago) ?

Each year, Sportico publishes a list of NFL team values. The Texans are No. 11 at $4.63. It’s a pretty well-off fraternity, with an average NFL franchise worth $4.14 billion. While the Texans are underperforming on the field, they are performing better on their record.

The most valuable No. 1 team in the NFL is the Dallas Cowboys, worth over $7.64 billion. That’s $630 million ahead of the second-richest team in the world, the New York Yankees.

The second most valued NFL team is the current Super Bowl champion Los Angeles Rams with $5.91 billion. The NFL team in the basement is the Cincinnati Bengals, worth “just” $2.84 billion.

Sixteen NFL teams are worth over $4 billion. The NBA and MLB have just seven teams combined valued at over $4 billion.

The richest team in the NBA, despite what you see in the league standings, is the New York Knicks, around the $6 billion mark, slightly ahead of the Golden State Warriors and Los Angeles Lakers. The richest soccer teams are Barcelona and Real Madrid, both in the $5 billion range.

Meanwhile, as Wendy Williams asks, how are you, Texans fan? You may not want to look at your 401k statement. Wall Street has just announced its worst first half since 1970.

The S&P 500 is down 20% this year. The NASDAQ is down 30%. The Dow Jones is down 15%. The current inflation rate is 9.1%. If you are not in the market and choose to deposit your money in the bank, you get around 1.5% interest. Food and gas prices are up, rents are up, home loan interest rates are up, tuition is up. You lose money by saving money.

You can’t win, and neither can the Houston Texans, on the field anyway. The only difference is that the Texans are making money like there’s no tomorrow, which starts Sept. 11 at home against Indianapolis. The Colts are 8 point favorites.

Comments are closed.